Seeing Past the Anger

Well I know in my last blog I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind. I can truly say it was the longest and most painful week of my life. The miscarriage is over...it took about 2 days and thank God was much less painful than the first time I passed on my own. It is over and my body feels like itself again.

Yesterday George and I visited Dr. Hill our fertility specialist and meeting with him definitely gave us both some reassurance and peace of mind. Basically, there is still 60% chance of us doing this on our own...mostly because of my age and health. If I do miscarry again it drops dramatically to 40% of ever carrying without assistance.

We went over all of our options...we are going to do another series of testing...another hysteroscopy (YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!), they are going to do an ultrasound of my ovulation and then make me ovulate with hormones, test George...etc...and then he wants me yes to try one more time. I (do not know if I am crazy here) agreed...one more time.

Basically, he said there is a chance that either myself or George do not carry the chromosomes needed to create a healthy embryo...or it could be that when you put our chromosomes together we can not create the embryo...either way with this many losses something is missing genetically. I am only 3% of the population...go figure.

Anyway, if it doesn't work this time then he said to stop and not try on our own again...to do that would be goofy (not his exact words), he said the next step would be IVF with PGD (pre-genetic determination)...in other words they match the chromosomes up to create a healthy embryo. However, with this procedure I still only have a 70% chance...there are some chromosomes that they could never see that might not be present...so I am taking a chance of loosing a pregnancy there as well. So he said if I did not want to take that chance we could skip that and go right to a donor egg, which would give me a very high percentage of carrying.

Then we discussed adoption with him...100% chance of bringing home a baby.

I have done A LOT of thinking and George and I have done A LOT of talking. We are going to try on our own the 5th and last time...I always said I would give it 5 times...and I have given a definitive decision that I do not want to go ahead with IVF or a donor egg. I can not risk having a 6th miscarriage after going through IVF...I think they would have to hospitalize me at McLain's (the mental institution here in Beantown)...I honestly couldn't take it. I have always said personally I would rather adopt a child that needs a home then do a donor egg.

So there you have it...we have chose Wide Horizon's adoption agency and are moving ahead with the process. We will finish the application this weekend and submit...who knows I could be bringing home a baby in 6 months or in 2 years. We are putting in for adoption in China, S Korea, Columbia and the US. I have been told we have age on our side big time...and they are looking for couples like us to adopt.

However, we do need to pass the home study...hopefully where we live will not deter that because going ahead with adoption means we are not moving for a couple of years...hopefully the big bad Pug will not scare them away either :-)

Anyway, we need to be approved...that will take 3 months and then we are put on the list. I can say I am excited...George and I will love a baby no matter where it comes from...he will be an amazing father, he has been amazing through this.

We are going full steam ahead to keep trying on our own...best case scenario...we have a baby on our own and a beautiful adopted child...put a fork in me I would be done:-)

Anyway, today the sun is shining, life seems clearer and I know this will be a distant memory one day...I will be sitting there telling my son/daughter what Mommy and Daddy went through to bring them into our lives and how much we love them.

"You gain strength and confidence be every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...do the think you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is a journey...all you can do is enjoy the ride...