4th Loss

Well the new year did not start exactly as I hoped. As I mentioned in my last blog we were waiting to see if we were pregnant and the day I got home from my trip to San Diego that was confirmed by a very positive pregnancy test...as it has been the last two times the positive was met with both joy and trepidation.

I called two office right away, acupuncture and the fertility specialist. My Acupuncturist had me come in right away for an emergency session...he seemed very nervous with me (very unlike him)and told me that I need to be very still and just really rest with my feet up..that is what I planned to do. The Dr.'s office had me come in the next morning for bloodwork. While waiting for the results, Jose called to tell me that he wanted me to have a special meeting with his mentor (over 40 years of experience) Dr. Tao on Saturday...the two wanted to meet with me to over everything and right after I got that set up the Dr.'s office called with good news, my numbers looked great...an HCG level of 102 and a progesterone level of 51. I was instructed to come in on Friday for another test (this was Wednesday).

I was feeling good physically...but just had a feeling of doubt in my heart (sometimes you just know things before they happen). When I went in Friday for follow-up bloodwork I had a sense of dread as she took my blood and that sense proved to be very true...at 12:00 she called to tell me that my numbers were dropping and that I was going to miscarry again. I left work and really just sat in darkness for hours crying and thinking.

This is so unfair...am I being punished for something I did. I am watching everyone around me get pregnant and go on to have beautiful children...but here I am loosing every sense of hope I have ever had. Am I doomed to continually feel loss...I mean come on what 11 year old goes through loosing their 21 year old brother and now this...loss after loss. To tell the truth I am just really pissed off. If I have one more person say to me "at least you can get pregnant" I am going to turn around and punch them in the nose. They have no idea what it feels like to loose something that is suppose to grow in your body. That is right I am angry...very angry.

I do not know how long I am going to feel this anger...but I am tired, I can't do this anymore, I am tired of feeling scared and sad, just tired.

So here I am just waiting to miscarry, waiting for the pain to begin. It is like the calm before the storm...I have been through this before I know what pain awaits me. The stupid nurse said "it is going to be like a painful period"...I said to her "you shouldn't say that to patients because it is much more that that, it is excruciating, I miscarried on my own once and thought I was having my insides ripped out". I have to go to the Dr.'s tomorrow and have the rhogam shot (you have this is your are an -0 blood type, something about the bloods crossing). How would anyone like to spend a Saturday waiting for FedEx to deliver your miscarriage shot and have it waiting in your fridge like some type of freakin doomsday medicine, that is fun to look at every time I open the door.

On another note, I filled out the adoption paperwork, this is just the registration and then we do that application. I spoke with a social worker in depth on Friday...and the programs I am looking into will take about 20-24 months...it seems so far away to me but I know everything that is good is worth waiting for.

I see the "specialist" on Thursday probably for him to tell me "you still have a 50-60% chance of doing this on your own" or you could do IVF for $30,000 b/se you are not covered, you are not infertility, you get pregnant.

Anyway, I am off for a hike to see if I can get this process started, the sooner the better. My mind has been so out of it that I have an inbox full of angry customers where I have forgotten one thing or another, so I am hoping I do not have to miss work this week and that I can get this miserable process to begin today.

Sorry for the angry tone...but that is just what I am, angry...