Well I know in my last blog I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind. I can truly say it was the longest and most painful week of my life. The miscarriage is over...it took about 2 days and thank God was much less painful than the first time I passed on my own. It is over and my body feels like itself again.
Yesterday George and I visited Dr. Hill our fertility specialist and meeting with him definitely gave us both some reassurance and peace of mind. Basically, there is still 60% chance of us doing this on our own...mostly because of my age and health. If I do miscarry again it drops dramatically to 40% of ever carrying without assistance.
We went over all of our options...we are going to do another series of testing...another hysteroscopy (YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!), they are going to do an ultrasound of my ovulation and then make me ovulate with hormones, test George...etc...and then he wants me yes to try one more time. I (do not know if I am crazy here) agreed...one more time.
Basically, he said there is a chance that either myself or George do not carry the chromosomes needed to create a healthy embryo...or it could be that when you put our chromosomes together we can not create the embryo...either way with this many losses something is missing genetically. I am only 3% of the population...go figure.
Anyway, if it doesn't work this time then he said to stop and not try on our own again...to do that would be goofy (not his exact words), he said the next step would be IVF with PGD (pre-genetic determination)...in other words they match the chromosomes up to create a healthy embryo. However, with this procedure I still only have a 70% chance...there are some chromosomes that they could never see that might not be present...so I am taking a chance of loosing a pregnancy there as well. So he said if I did not want to take that chance we could skip that and go right to a donor egg, which would give me a very high percentage of carrying.
Then we discussed adoption with him...100% chance of bringing home a baby.
I have done A LOT of thinking and George and I have done A LOT of talking. We are going to try on our own the 5th and last time...I always said I would give it 5 times...and I have given a definitive decision that I do not want to go ahead with IVF or a donor egg. I can not risk having a 6th miscarriage after going through IVF...I think they would have to hospitalize me at McLain's (the mental institution here in Beantown)...I honestly couldn't take it. I have always said personally I would rather adopt a child that needs a home then do a donor egg.
So there you have it...we have chose Wide Horizon's adoption agency and are moving ahead with the process. We will finish the application this weekend and submit...who knows I could be bringing home a baby in 6 months or in 2 years. We are putting in for adoption in China, S Korea, Columbia and the US. I have been told we have age on our side big time...and they are looking for couples like us to adopt.
However, we do need to pass the home study...hopefully where we live will not deter that because going ahead with adoption means we are not moving for a couple of years...hopefully the big bad Pug will not scare them away either :-)
Anyway, we need to be approved...that will take 3 months and then we are put on the list. I can say I am excited...George and I will love a baby no matter where it comes from...he will be an amazing father, he has been amazing through this.
We are going full steam ahead to keep trying on our own...best case scenario...we have a baby on our own and a beautiful adopted child...put a fork in me I would be done:-)
Anyway, today the sun is shining, life seems clearer and I know this will be a distant memory one day...I will be sitting there telling my son/daughter what Mommy and Daddy went through to bring them into our lives and how much we love them.
"You gain strength and confidence be every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...do the think you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt
Life is a journey...all you can do is enjoy the ride...
Friday, January 18, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
4th Loss
Well the new year did not start exactly as I hoped. As I mentioned in my last blog we were waiting to see if we were pregnant and the day I got home from my trip to San Diego that was confirmed by a very positive pregnancy test...as it has been the last two times the positive was met with both joy and trepidation.
I called two office right away, acupuncture and the fertility specialist. My Acupuncturist had me come in right away for an emergency session...he seemed very nervous with me (very unlike him)and told me that I need to be very still and just really rest with my feet up..that is what I planned to do. The Dr.'s office had me come in the next morning for bloodwork. While waiting for the results, Jose called to tell me that he wanted me to have a special meeting with his mentor (over 40 years of experience) Dr. Tao on Saturday...the two wanted to meet with me to over everything and right after I got that set up the Dr.'s office called with good news, my numbers looked great...an HCG level of 102 and a progesterone level of 51. I was instructed to come in on Friday for another test (this was Wednesday).
I was feeling good physically...but just had a feeling of doubt in my heart (sometimes you just know things before they happen). When I went in Friday for follow-up bloodwork I had a sense of dread as she took my blood and that sense proved to be very true...at 12:00 she called to tell me that my numbers were dropping and that I was going to miscarry again. I left work and really just sat in darkness for hours crying and thinking.
This is so unfair...am I being punished for something I did. I am watching everyone around me get pregnant and go on to have beautiful children...but here I am loosing every sense of hope I have ever had. Am I doomed to continually feel loss...I mean come on what 11 year old goes through loosing their 21 year old brother and now this...loss after loss. To tell the truth I am just really pissed off. If I have one more person say to me "at least you can get pregnant" I am going to turn around and punch them in the nose. They have no idea what it feels like to loose something that is suppose to grow in your body. That is right I am angry...very angry.
I do not know how long I am going to feel this anger...but I am tired, I can't do this anymore, I am tired of feeling scared and sad, just tired.
So here I am just waiting to miscarry, waiting for the pain to begin. It is like the calm before the storm...I have been through this before I know what pain awaits me. The stupid nurse said "it is going to be like a painful period"...I said to her "you shouldn't say that to patients because it is much more that that, it is excruciating, I miscarried on my own once and thought I was having my insides ripped out". I have to go to the Dr.'s tomorrow and have the rhogam shot (you have this is your are an -0 blood type, something about the bloods crossing). How would anyone like to spend a Saturday waiting for FedEx to deliver your miscarriage shot and have it waiting in your fridge like some type of freakin doomsday medicine, that is fun to look at every time I open the door.
On another note, I filled out the adoption paperwork, this is just the registration and then we do that application. I spoke with a social worker in depth on Friday...and the programs I am looking into will take about 20-24 months...it seems so far away to me but I know everything that is good is worth waiting for.
I see the "specialist" on Thursday probably for him to tell me "you still have a 50-60% chance of doing this on your own" or you could do IVF for $30,000 b/se you are not covered, you are not infertility, you get pregnant.
Anyway, I am off for a hike to see if I can get this process started, the sooner the better. My mind has been so out of it that I have an inbox full of angry customers where I have forgotten one thing or another, so I am hoping I do not have to miss work this week and that I can get this miserable process to begin today.
Sorry for the angry tone...but that is just what I am, angry...
I called two office right away, acupuncture and the fertility specialist. My Acupuncturist had me come in right away for an emergency session...he seemed very nervous with me (very unlike him)and told me that I need to be very still and just really rest with my feet up..that is what I planned to do. The Dr.'s office had me come in the next morning for bloodwork. While waiting for the results, Jose called to tell me that he wanted me to have a special meeting with his mentor (over 40 years of experience) Dr. Tao on Saturday...the two wanted to meet with me to over everything and right after I got that set up the Dr.'s office called with good news, my numbers looked great...an HCG level of 102 and a progesterone level of 51. I was instructed to come in on Friday for another test (this was Wednesday).
I was feeling good physically...but just had a feeling of doubt in my heart (sometimes you just know things before they happen). When I went in Friday for follow-up bloodwork I had a sense of dread as she took my blood and that sense proved to be very true...at 12:00 she called to tell me that my numbers were dropping and that I was going to miscarry again. I left work and really just sat in darkness for hours crying and thinking.
This is so unfair...am I being punished for something I did. I am watching everyone around me get pregnant and go on to have beautiful children...but here I am loosing every sense of hope I have ever had. Am I doomed to continually feel loss...I mean come on what 11 year old goes through loosing their 21 year old brother and now this...loss after loss. To tell the truth I am just really pissed off. If I have one more person say to me "at least you can get pregnant" I am going to turn around and punch them in the nose. They have no idea what it feels like to loose something that is suppose to grow in your body. That is right I am angry...very angry.
I do not know how long I am going to feel this anger...but I am tired, I can't do this anymore, I am tired of feeling scared and sad, just tired.
So here I am just waiting to miscarry, waiting for the pain to begin. It is like the calm before the storm...I have been through this before I know what pain awaits me. The stupid nurse said "it is going to be like a painful period"...I said to her "you shouldn't say that to patients because it is much more that that, it is excruciating, I miscarried on my own once and thought I was having my insides ripped out". I have to go to the Dr.'s tomorrow and have the rhogam shot (you have this is your are an -0 blood type, something about the bloods crossing). How would anyone like to spend a Saturday waiting for FedEx to deliver your miscarriage shot and have it waiting in your fridge like some type of freakin doomsday medicine, that is fun to look at every time I open the door.
On another note, I filled out the adoption paperwork, this is just the registration and then we do that application. I spoke with a social worker in depth on Friday...and the programs I am looking into will take about 20-24 months...it seems so far away to me but I know everything that is good is worth waiting for.
I see the "specialist" on Thursday probably for him to tell me "you still have a 50-60% chance of doing this on your own" or you could do IVF for $30,000 b/se you are not covered, you are not infertility, you get pregnant.
Anyway, I am off for a hike to see if I can get this process started, the sooner the better. My mind has been so out of it that I have an inbox full of angry customers where I have forgotten one thing or another, so I am hoping I do not have to miss work this week and that I can get this miserable process to begin today.
Sorry for the angry tone...but that is just what I am, angry...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
New Year/Trying Again
So here I am at another Sales Meeting...this time in San Diego. I am finding that I am much more anti-social and want to be home with George and Hercules more than ever. This could be due to a few reasons...the weather is horrible, the company is a mess and I am fighting off a cold. However, I think the major reason is that we decided to go ahead and try again this month.
I do not want to paint a rosy picture all of the time...so I can truly say this was the most difficult Holiday Season I have had. A sweeping sadness crept over me, mainly because I knew we were going to start this journey again and because of this feelings that I have pushed away for months have crept up to the surface. I let myself feel the pain over the Holiday's...however I did vow for the New Year it was full steam ahead, bringing me to the present.
Dodging the questions of "why aren't you drinking" is quite difficult, luckily the cold has helped quite a bit. Therefore, I have found it easier just to dodge the situation all together, order room service and stay away from the crowds. Before the waiting period to see if I was pregnant was torture...now I am eerily calm about it, either way I am fine with it. The real fear comes the day I see that positive...that will be the day the roller coaster goes again.
It is so funny when I hear "at least you can get pregnant"...honestly I would rather not be getting pregnant then to experience the loss that is so consuming when you miscarry.
So I am a day away from finding out if we buckle in and ride the roller coaster again...either way I am ready to see what the future is going to bring and hopefully it will be a step to make my greatest wish in 2008 come true...to finally have a family.
Happy New Year to Everyone!!
I do not want to paint a rosy picture all of the time...so I can truly say this was the most difficult Holiday Season I have had. A sweeping sadness crept over me, mainly because I knew we were going to start this journey again and because of this feelings that I have pushed away for months have crept up to the surface. I let myself feel the pain over the Holiday's...however I did vow for the New Year it was full steam ahead, bringing me to the present.
Dodging the questions of "why aren't you drinking" is quite difficult, luckily the cold has helped quite a bit. Therefore, I have found it easier just to dodge the situation all together, order room service and stay away from the crowds. Before the waiting period to see if I was pregnant was torture...now I am eerily calm about it, either way I am fine with it. The real fear comes the day I see that positive...that will be the day the roller coaster goes again.
It is so funny when I hear "at least you can get pregnant"...honestly I would rather not be getting pregnant then to experience the loss that is so consuming when you miscarry.
So I am a day away from finding out if we buckle in and ride the roller coaster again...either way I am ready to see what the future is going to bring and hopefully it will be a step to make my greatest wish in 2008 come true...to finally have a family.
Happy New Year to Everyone!!
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