I am not sure if anyone reads this blog anymore as it has been so long since my last post...I can't say it was because I needed time off but more that I have been so busy. To keep everyone up to date I did get that position as a Marketing Manager within Cengage Learning. I am now the MM for the English Composition list...if anyone is well versed in Eng Comp it is like a completely different language. I started on May 5th and have been going ever since...I actually leave Monday for our National Sales Meeting in San Francisco, where I will present to Sales Reps 26 times...
Second, George and I are DONE with the adoption process...we eventually chose Korea as our country, went through the very long process and are now on the list awaiting a referral. Unfortunately due to many factors in the international adoption community (the increased wait times in China, the mess in Guatemala, Ukraine shutting its doors) our wait time is more than we initially had hoped for. Instead of waiting 8-10 months for a referral we are looking at 12-16 months. After everything we have been through another few months is not a big deal...I guess!
I thought going through the process would be the tough part, it took 6 months overall, but it isn't...it is this waiting. When going through the process there is always a next step, something else to finish and look toward...now we are just waiting. When you are pregnant there are certain milestones to look forward to that let you know this baby is coming, hearing the heartbeat, finding out the sex, the first kick, etc, etc...with adoption there are no such milestones I am learning. When you are finally done with your steps it is just a black hole of waiting...you grasp at anything to make it feel real. I get questions all of the time...how is it going, have you heard anything and unfortunately until the day we get our referral there is not much to report...in a sense it doesn't seem real, it feels like a fantasy that could slip away at any moment. Maybe that just stems from my fears or my reality of having motherhood taken away so many times. At any rate I find keeping extremely busy and enjoying things in life that I will not be able to do (so frequently) when I am a mother help. Also, I have learned through the 2 years of trying to have a child patience is a virtue and so much is out of my control.
That got me thinking, really what has this experience taught me, what has it given me. After all every hardship, happiness, something we have to work very hard for shapes us and teaches us something...if it didn't then the whole experience is for not. Therefore, (after my Saturday morning ritual of reading Glamour magazine) I decided to come up with a top 10 list of what I have learned the past 2 years...here I go.
1. You can not control your body - Yes you can control your weight (to a certain degree, chocolate and wine do not help the situation) and your overall well being...but you can not control so much else. You have to take every situation as it comes and deal with, you can not think why does my body not do what 99% of women can do, why does my butt not fit in 7 jeans, why does my chest sag, etc, etc. You have to accept your body for what it is, what it does and what it is capable of and readjust from there...than GOD for spanx.
2. Life's obstacles do make you stronger - I have always thought of myself as a strong person, hey I have been through a lot. BUT I have realized I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know how to take tragedy or a hard situation and turn it around, learn from it and make the best of it. I think we as women do that so well, we are so strong...and the sad part most of us do not realize how strong we are. I look at my Mother...she is the strongest and bravest women I will ever know...so maybe I have learned from her or maybe as a woman this is something that is in me because it has to be in order to fulfill the toughest role of all, motherhood.
3. Hard situations can make a relationship stronger - yes they can tear it apart and cause individuals to drift but in mine and George's case we bonded and came together in a way that I never imagined possible. Yes we have had our hard times I will not deny that but I think that comes at anytime you have to work through painful situations. What I have learned is to not take my relationship for granted...that happens especially when you meet and marry someone so young. However, we have stood together as a unified front, cried, fought and dreamed about the family we will have. We know that we will never take this child or each other for granted...in essence we will never take our family for granted...it is something we have fought to darn hard to get.
4. Keeping the mind busy is essential - When you are going through a tough time is is key to keep your mind busy...you can not let it rest and think random thoughts for too long or your mind will get the better of your. I have come to learn a busy mind is a happy mind...keep busy at something, it doesn't matter what it is. When I learned I was having my 4th miscarriage...I didn't think I could handle it, I thought my heart and mind would explode. I was sitting on the couch and thinking, thinking, wallowing and dreaming about myself as never being a mother...I let my mind go over it 1000 times until I couldn't take myself anymore. That is when I saw a brochure for a cake decorating class happening that afternoon...I called the number asked if they had any spots, took a shower and went...that was my first step to moving on and knew that was how I was going to move on...I had to keep my mind busy, I had to live.
5. My Mom is my anchor - I do not know what I would have done without my Mom...she is the first one who said it doesn't matter if this baby comes from you or across the ocean, you will be a mother and this baby will be loved. This is before I truly considered adoption...but always knew in my heart it would be the way. My Mother seems to know my heart before I do...I guess call it a mother's instinct...
5. Thank God for friends - If I didn't have the ears, love and support of my friends life would be impossible to get through. When something is going on (good or bad) the second one's I call (after my Mother of course) are my friends and somehow they always know what to say...friends they say are the family you choose and that is so true. How would have I gotten through this year without them...Lord only knows. It has been so overwhelming from chocolate covered strawberries being at my door after coming home from a D&C, or a friend knowing I was so down she made an appointment to take me for a massage, or just listening to me for hours even though you are exhausted from travel. I thank God everyday for them...
6. There is nothing like Pet Love - Whether it be your dog, cat, bird, whatever there is nothing like the love of a pet. Hercules has been a savior (since the day I got him actually). He has cried with me, sat with me, made me laugh and been there when I do not want to talk to another human being. He somehow makes everyday so much better...and there is nothing like it. As he sits next to me right now (getting fur all over the furniture) he makes me smile and for that I am always grateful.
7. Take advise and comments with a grain of salt - Lord have I heard it all..from "at least you can get pregnant", "maybe you are not meant to be a mother" to "what are you adopting from another country for, the child will not look like you"...I used to get PISSED (most of you know my temper) but then I was like why do that to myself. In life I think we all hear comments that anger us but I have learned as long as I am happy within my own heart and believe in what I am doing...nothing else matters and what people say really doesn't amount to a hill of beans. People always have something to say don't they...
8. Retail therapy is a viable form of therapy - I have learned that treating myself and making me a number one priority through this whole ordeal is key. Honestly, when I am really down just going to the mall and buying a new lipstick makes me feel like a new person, it centers me and I think I know why...I am focusing on me and forgetting everything else, forgetting what people think, what I "should" be doing, just focusing on me and for the next year I am going to continue to do that...why not take advantage.
9. Let yourself be sad - It is funny it has been 6 months since my last miscarriage and people think "poof" I am totally over it, nothing should affect me now, it really didn't happen. Truth is, I am not over it, I probably never will be. This has changed me as a person and I have learned to let myself cry and feel sad when I want to (but not for too long) that I am allowed.
10. God has a plan for us all - I truly believe this... I know you have all read that George and I went to St Anne's cathedral in Quebec to pray to her for a family. That day I prayed to lead me to the path of motherhood to give me the grace to get through the pain and make me the mother I am suppose to be. Although that day I prayed for a baby of my "own" that wasn't what God had in my plans and I know that now...I know that I will be a mother but just not in the way I thought I would. That is the trick of life, we want things our way and sometimes that is not the plan and we have to keep our hearts and minds open and not shut God out.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Adoption Journey
It has been a while since my last post...I feel that I needed some time off. I needed time off from thinking about children, thinking about how unfair this situation was, thinking "why me", thinking about the future. I guess I needed to heal.
Time has passed and like everything, wounds heal...although they will always be part of me, they have shaped me and George for that matter, changed who I am as a person...I think for the better, I am definitely a stronger person.
During this time I figured since I am changing one piece of my life...why not change all of it. I have applied for a totally new position as a Marketing Manager within my company...it has been a solid month of interviewing...I have what I hope is my last interview this week. I am crossing my fingers...I think the challenge and the change will be good for my soul. However, if it is meant to be then it will happen...if not then I am meant to be just where I am for a while.
That is the attitude I have taken lately...things are definitely meant to me. I mean, yes you have to make things happen for yourself but once you do that as Green Day said "life takes you by the wrist and directs you where to go" and I feel that happening in my life ever more often these days. I am trying to listen and pray for our direction.
One such direction has been chosen for us and that is adoption...at first I thought we are going to China and doing domestic adoption. However, after meeting with our Social Worker this week...George and I both feel our direction is distinctly being pulled to either Korea or Russia. I am more excited than ever and I can't get the vision or what our child is going to look like out of my mind. One minute I envision a blond hair blue eye boy, another minute a beautiful Korean girl and then the next a little boy with dark features. The doors of possibility are wide open and our hearts are open.
I keep thinking about the moment George and I meet the child that is meant for us...we meet our son or daughter, the first minute we hold them, getting on a plane and bringing them home. The first time they meet their grandparents, aunts and uncles...the love that this child will be given. I envision a toddler chasing Hercules around and driving him crazy. I envision a time of selflessness instead of selfishness.
We have been led on this journey for a reason...and I know there is a special baby waiting for us and it makes me tear to thinking within 18-20 months I could be here updating my blog with pictures of our beautiful child.
The next step in our adoption process is the medical exams and home visit...I hope Hercules doesn't blow it for us:-)
Please keep us in your prayers and pray that this child will come sooner rather than later.
Time has passed and like everything, wounds heal...although they will always be part of me, they have shaped me and George for that matter, changed who I am as a person...I think for the better, I am definitely a stronger person.
During this time I figured since I am changing one piece of my life...why not change all of it. I have applied for a totally new position as a Marketing Manager within my company...it has been a solid month of interviewing...I have what I hope is my last interview this week. I am crossing my fingers...I think the challenge and the change will be good for my soul. However, if it is meant to be then it will happen...if not then I am meant to be just where I am for a while.
That is the attitude I have taken lately...things are definitely meant to me. I mean, yes you have to make things happen for yourself but once you do that as Green Day said "life takes you by the wrist and directs you where to go" and I feel that happening in my life ever more often these days. I am trying to listen and pray for our direction.
One such direction has been chosen for us and that is adoption...at first I thought we are going to China and doing domestic adoption. However, after meeting with our Social Worker this week...George and I both feel our direction is distinctly being pulled to either Korea or Russia. I am more excited than ever and I can't get the vision or what our child is going to look like out of my mind. One minute I envision a blond hair blue eye boy, another minute a beautiful Korean girl and then the next a little boy with dark features. The doors of possibility are wide open and our hearts are open.
I keep thinking about the moment George and I meet the child that is meant for us...we meet our son or daughter, the first minute we hold them, getting on a plane and bringing them home. The first time they meet their grandparents, aunts and uncles...the love that this child will be given. I envision a toddler chasing Hercules around and driving him crazy. I envision a time of selflessness instead of selfishness.
We have been led on this journey for a reason...and I know there is a special baby waiting for us and it makes me tear to thinking within 18-20 months I could be here updating my blog with pictures of our beautiful child.
The next step in our adoption process is the medical exams and home visit...I hope Hercules doesn't blow it for us:-)
Please keep us in your prayers and pray that this child will come sooner rather than later.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Seeing Past the Anger
Well I know in my last blog I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind. I can truly say it was the longest and most painful week of my life. The miscarriage is over...it took about 2 days and thank God was much less painful than the first time I passed on my own. It is over and my body feels like itself again.
Yesterday George and I visited Dr. Hill our fertility specialist and meeting with him definitely gave us both some reassurance and peace of mind. Basically, there is still 60% chance of us doing this on our own...mostly because of my age and health. If I do miscarry again it drops dramatically to 40% of ever carrying without assistance.
We went over all of our options...we are going to do another series of testing...another hysteroscopy (YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!), they are going to do an ultrasound of my ovulation and then make me ovulate with hormones, test George...etc...and then he wants me yes to try one more time. I (do not know if I am crazy here) agreed...one more time.
Basically, he said there is a chance that either myself or George do not carry the chromosomes needed to create a healthy embryo...or it could be that when you put our chromosomes together we can not create the embryo...either way with this many losses something is missing genetically. I am only 3% of the population...go figure.
Anyway, if it doesn't work this time then he said to stop and not try on our own again...to do that would be goofy (not his exact words), he said the next step would be IVF with PGD (pre-genetic determination)...in other words they match the chromosomes up to create a healthy embryo. However, with this procedure I still only have a 70% chance...there are some chromosomes that they could never see that might not be present...so I am taking a chance of loosing a pregnancy there as well. So he said if I did not want to take that chance we could skip that and go right to a donor egg, which would give me a very high percentage of carrying.
Then we discussed adoption with him...100% chance of bringing home a baby.
I have done A LOT of thinking and George and I have done A LOT of talking. We are going to try on our own the 5th and last time...I always said I would give it 5 times...and I have given a definitive decision that I do not want to go ahead with IVF or a donor egg. I can not risk having a 6th miscarriage after going through IVF...I think they would have to hospitalize me at McLain's (the mental institution here in Beantown)...I honestly couldn't take it. I have always said personally I would rather adopt a child that needs a home then do a donor egg.
So there you have it...we have chose Wide Horizon's adoption agency and are moving ahead with the process. We will finish the application this weekend and submit...who knows I could be bringing home a baby in 6 months or in 2 years. We are putting in for adoption in China, S Korea, Columbia and the US. I have been told we have age on our side big time...and they are looking for couples like us to adopt.
However, we do need to pass the home study...hopefully where we live will not deter that because going ahead with adoption means we are not moving for a couple of years...hopefully the big bad Pug will not scare them away either :-)
Anyway, we need to be approved...that will take 3 months and then we are put on the list. I can say I am excited...George and I will love a baby no matter where it comes from...he will be an amazing father, he has been amazing through this.
We are going full steam ahead to keep trying on our own...best case scenario...we have a baby on our own and a beautiful adopted child...put a fork in me I would be done:-)
Anyway, today the sun is shining, life seems clearer and I know this will be a distant memory one day...I will be sitting there telling my son/daughter what Mommy and Daddy went through to bring them into our lives and how much we love them.
"You gain strength and confidence be every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...do the think you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt
Life is a journey...all you can do is enjoy the ride...
Yesterday George and I visited Dr. Hill our fertility specialist and meeting with him definitely gave us both some reassurance and peace of mind. Basically, there is still 60% chance of us doing this on our own...mostly because of my age and health. If I do miscarry again it drops dramatically to 40% of ever carrying without assistance.
We went over all of our options...we are going to do another series of testing...another hysteroscopy (YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!), they are going to do an ultrasound of my ovulation and then make me ovulate with hormones, test George...etc...and then he wants me yes to try one more time. I (do not know if I am crazy here) agreed...one more time.
Basically, he said there is a chance that either myself or George do not carry the chromosomes needed to create a healthy embryo...or it could be that when you put our chromosomes together we can not create the embryo...either way with this many losses something is missing genetically. I am only 3% of the population...go figure.
Anyway, if it doesn't work this time then he said to stop and not try on our own again...to do that would be goofy (not his exact words), he said the next step would be IVF with PGD (pre-genetic determination)...in other words they match the chromosomes up to create a healthy embryo. However, with this procedure I still only have a 70% chance...there are some chromosomes that they could never see that might not be present...so I am taking a chance of loosing a pregnancy there as well. So he said if I did not want to take that chance we could skip that and go right to a donor egg, which would give me a very high percentage of carrying.
Then we discussed adoption with him...100% chance of bringing home a baby.
I have done A LOT of thinking and George and I have done A LOT of talking. We are going to try on our own the 5th and last time...I always said I would give it 5 times...and I have given a definitive decision that I do not want to go ahead with IVF or a donor egg. I can not risk having a 6th miscarriage after going through IVF...I think they would have to hospitalize me at McLain's (the mental institution here in Beantown)...I honestly couldn't take it. I have always said personally I would rather adopt a child that needs a home then do a donor egg.
So there you have it...we have chose Wide Horizon's adoption agency and are moving ahead with the process. We will finish the application this weekend and submit...who knows I could be bringing home a baby in 6 months or in 2 years. We are putting in for adoption in China, S Korea, Columbia and the US. I have been told we have age on our side big time...and they are looking for couples like us to adopt.
However, we do need to pass the home study...hopefully where we live will not deter that because going ahead with adoption means we are not moving for a couple of years...hopefully the big bad Pug will not scare them away either :-)
Anyway, we need to be approved...that will take 3 months and then we are put on the list. I can say I am excited...George and I will love a baby no matter where it comes from...he will be an amazing father, he has been amazing through this.
We are going full steam ahead to keep trying on our own...best case scenario...we have a baby on our own and a beautiful adopted child...put a fork in me I would be done:-)
Anyway, today the sun is shining, life seems clearer and I know this will be a distant memory one day...I will be sitting there telling my son/daughter what Mommy and Daddy went through to bring them into our lives and how much we love them.
"You gain strength and confidence be every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...do the think you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt
Life is a journey...all you can do is enjoy the ride...
Sunday, January 13, 2008
4th Loss
Well the new year did not start exactly as I hoped. As I mentioned in my last blog we were waiting to see if we were pregnant and the day I got home from my trip to San Diego that was confirmed by a very positive pregnancy test...as it has been the last two times the positive was met with both joy and trepidation.
I called two office right away, acupuncture and the fertility specialist. My Acupuncturist had me come in right away for an emergency session...he seemed very nervous with me (very unlike him)and told me that I need to be very still and just really rest with my feet up..that is what I planned to do. The Dr.'s office had me come in the next morning for bloodwork. While waiting for the results, Jose called to tell me that he wanted me to have a special meeting with his mentor (over 40 years of experience) Dr. Tao on Saturday...the two wanted to meet with me to over everything and right after I got that set up the Dr.'s office called with good news, my numbers looked great...an HCG level of 102 and a progesterone level of 51. I was instructed to come in on Friday for another test (this was Wednesday).
I was feeling good physically...but just had a feeling of doubt in my heart (sometimes you just know things before they happen). When I went in Friday for follow-up bloodwork I had a sense of dread as she took my blood and that sense proved to be very true...at 12:00 she called to tell me that my numbers were dropping and that I was going to miscarry again. I left work and really just sat in darkness for hours crying and thinking.
This is so unfair...am I being punished for something I did. I am watching everyone around me get pregnant and go on to have beautiful children...but here I am loosing every sense of hope I have ever had. Am I doomed to continually feel loss...I mean come on what 11 year old goes through loosing their 21 year old brother and now this...loss after loss. To tell the truth I am just really pissed off. If I have one more person say to me "at least you can get pregnant" I am going to turn around and punch them in the nose. They have no idea what it feels like to loose something that is suppose to grow in your body. That is right I am angry...very angry.
I do not know how long I am going to feel this anger...but I am tired, I can't do this anymore, I am tired of feeling scared and sad, just tired.
So here I am just waiting to miscarry, waiting for the pain to begin. It is like the calm before the storm...I have been through this before I know what pain awaits me. The stupid nurse said "it is going to be like a painful period"...I said to her "you shouldn't say that to patients because it is much more that that, it is excruciating, I miscarried on my own once and thought I was having my insides ripped out". I have to go to the Dr.'s tomorrow and have the rhogam shot (you have this is your are an -0 blood type, something about the bloods crossing). How would anyone like to spend a Saturday waiting for FedEx to deliver your miscarriage shot and have it waiting in your fridge like some type of freakin doomsday medicine, that is fun to look at every time I open the door.
On another note, I filled out the adoption paperwork, this is just the registration and then we do that application. I spoke with a social worker in depth on Friday...and the programs I am looking into will take about 20-24 months...it seems so far away to me but I know everything that is good is worth waiting for.
I see the "specialist" on Thursday probably for him to tell me "you still have a 50-60% chance of doing this on your own" or you could do IVF for $30,000 b/se you are not covered, you are not infertility, you get pregnant.
Anyway, I am off for a hike to see if I can get this process started, the sooner the better. My mind has been so out of it that I have an inbox full of angry customers where I have forgotten one thing or another, so I am hoping I do not have to miss work this week and that I can get this miserable process to begin today.
Sorry for the angry tone...but that is just what I am, angry...
I called two office right away, acupuncture and the fertility specialist. My Acupuncturist had me come in right away for an emergency session...he seemed very nervous with me (very unlike him)and told me that I need to be very still and just really rest with my feet up..that is what I planned to do. The Dr.'s office had me come in the next morning for bloodwork. While waiting for the results, Jose called to tell me that he wanted me to have a special meeting with his mentor (over 40 years of experience) Dr. Tao on Saturday...the two wanted to meet with me to over everything and right after I got that set up the Dr.'s office called with good news, my numbers looked great...an HCG level of 102 and a progesterone level of 51. I was instructed to come in on Friday for another test (this was Wednesday).
I was feeling good physically...but just had a feeling of doubt in my heart (sometimes you just know things before they happen). When I went in Friday for follow-up bloodwork I had a sense of dread as she took my blood and that sense proved to be very true...at 12:00 she called to tell me that my numbers were dropping and that I was going to miscarry again. I left work and really just sat in darkness for hours crying and thinking.
This is so unfair...am I being punished for something I did. I am watching everyone around me get pregnant and go on to have beautiful children...but here I am loosing every sense of hope I have ever had. Am I doomed to continually feel loss...I mean come on what 11 year old goes through loosing their 21 year old brother and now this...loss after loss. To tell the truth I am just really pissed off. If I have one more person say to me "at least you can get pregnant" I am going to turn around and punch them in the nose. They have no idea what it feels like to loose something that is suppose to grow in your body. That is right I am angry...very angry.
I do not know how long I am going to feel this anger...but I am tired, I can't do this anymore, I am tired of feeling scared and sad, just tired.
So here I am just waiting to miscarry, waiting for the pain to begin. It is like the calm before the storm...I have been through this before I know what pain awaits me. The stupid nurse said "it is going to be like a painful period"...I said to her "you shouldn't say that to patients because it is much more that that, it is excruciating, I miscarried on my own once and thought I was having my insides ripped out". I have to go to the Dr.'s tomorrow and have the rhogam shot (you have this is your are an -0 blood type, something about the bloods crossing). How would anyone like to spend a Saturday waiting for FedEx to deliver your miscarriage shot and have it waiting in your fridge like some type of freakin doomsday medicine, that is fun to look at every time I open the door.
On another note, I filled out the adoption paperwork, this is just the registration and then we do that application. I spoke with a social worker in depth on Friday...and the programs I am looking into will take about 20-24 months...it seems so far away to me but I know everything that is good is worth waiting for.
I see the "specialist" on Thursday probably for him to tell me "you still have a 50-60% chance of doing this on your own" or you could do IVF for $30,000 b/se you are not covered, you are not infertility, you get pregnant.
Anyway, I am off for a hike to see if I can get this process started, the sooner the better. My mind has been so out of it that I have an inbox full of angry customers where I have forgotten one thing or another, so I am hoping I do not have to miss work this week and that I can get this miserable process to begin today.
Sorry for the angry tone...but that is just what I am, angry...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
New Year/Trying Again
So here I am at another Sales Meeting...this time in San Diego. I am finding that I am much more anti-social and want to be home with George and Hercules more than ever. This could be due to a few reasons...the weather is horrible, the company is a mess and I am fighting off a cold. However, I think the major reason is that we decided to go ahead and try again this month.
I do not want to paint a rosy picture all of the time...so I can truly say this was the most difficult Holiday Season I have had. A sweeping sadness crept over me, mainly because I knew we were going to start this journey again and because of this feelings that I have pushed away for months have crept up to the surface. I let myself feel the pain over the Holiday's...however I did vow for the New Year it was full steam ahead, bringing me to the present.
Dodging the questions of "why aren't you drinking" is quite difficult, luckily the cold has helped quite a bit. Therefore, I have found it easier just to dodge the situation all together, order room service and stay away from the crowds. Before the waiting period to see if I was pregnant was torture...now I am eerily calm about it, either way I am fine with it. The real fear comes the day I see that positive...that will be the day the roller coaster goes again.
It is so funny when I hear "at least you can get pregnant"...honestly I would rather not be getting pregnant then to experience the loss that is so consuming when you miscarry.
So I am a day away from finding out if we buckle in and ride the roller coaster again...either way I am ready to see what the future is going to bring and hopefully it will be a step to make my greatest wish in 2008 come true...to finally have a family.
Happy New Year to Everyone!!
I do not want to paint a rosy picture all of the time...so I can truly say this was the most difficult Holiday Season I have had. A sweeping sadness crept over me, mainly because I knew we were going to start this journey again and because of this feelings that I have pushed away for months have crept up to the surface. I let myself feel the pain over the Holiday's...however I did vow for the New Year it was full steam ahead, bringing me to the present.
Dodging the questions of "why aren't you drinking" is quite difficult, luckily the cold has helped quite a bit. Therefore, I have found it easier just to dodge the situation all together, order room service and stay away from the crowds. Before the waiting period to see if I was pregnant was torture...now I am eerily calm about it, either way I am fine with it. The real fear comes the day I see that positive...that will be the day the roller coaster goes again.
It is so funny when I hear "at least you can get pregnant"...honestly I would rather not be getting pregnant then to experience the loss that is so consuming when you miscarry.
So I am a day away from finding out if we buckle in and ride the roller coaster again...either way I am ready to see what the future is going to bring and hopefully it will be a step to make my greatest wish in 2008 come true...to finally have a family.
Happy New Year to Everyone!!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
St. Anne's Cathedral
It has been a while since my last post...probably because not much has been going on. I have been going to Acupuncture religiously and feel such a difference in my body and mind...even if this doesn't help or shall I say provide me with the solution I want it will be worth it in the end. It has provided me with a peace and clarity during this difficult time.
George and I were originally going to start trying after 3 cycles (which has passed) but I was asked by my Acupuncturist to wait...he said my body needed more time. So I thought to myself, I have trusted him this far...what is another month. Also, to be honest I do not think I could take another Christmas of loosing a baby. I went through my 1st miscarriage last Holiday Season...and I do not want to take the chance again. Who wants to start associating the Holiday's with that. It would be an entire month of taking my blood every other day, ups and downs and extreme stress. Therefore, I thought why not just stay stress free this Holiday Season, let Acupuncture do its thing, continue at the gym and be able to drink at Holiday parties without stress:-)
That being said...George and I just returned from a fabulous trip to Old Quebec City...it was first class all of the way. This was my 30th Birthday gift and we pulled out all of the stops. The hotel was amazing...with open fire places, steam bathroom and a first class restaurant. Honestly (besides the Ritz in New Orleans) this was the nicest hotel I have been to. The old city is like you have pulled a small village out of France and placed it in Quebec...little bistros and shops line the streets...we really relaxed and just enjoyed ourselves.
On Sunday of our trip we took our much anticipated trip to St. Anne's...what an amazing cathedral...it seems to be fashioned much like Notre Dame in Paris...absolutely beautiful. The amazing thing is that this shrine is a pilgrimage site and therefore many people are there at all times...however, for about 45 minutes George and I were the only one's in the cathedral. It was so peaceful and beautiful...I feel like I had a one-one with St. Anne. There I asked for the obvious (a beautiful child of our own) and the strength to go down this road again...and most importantly for the strength to make it through if having a child on my own is not in God's plan for George and I. I did walk away with a peace and knowing that I could make it through, to continue to lean on George and with the knowledge that I will someday bring my family back to visit...how that family comes to us is still in God's hands.
George and I were originally going to start trying after 3 cycles (which has passed) but I was asked by my Acupuncturist to wait...he said my body needed more time. So I thought to myself, I have trusted him this far...what is another month. Also, to be honest I do not think I could take another Christmas of loosing a baby. I went through my 1st miscarriage last Holiday Season...and I do not want to take the chance again. Who wants to start associating the Holiday's with that. It would be an entire month of taking my blood every other day, ups and downs and extreme stress. Therefore, I thought why not just stay stress free this Holiday Season, let Acupuncture do its thing, continue at the gym and be able to drink at Holiday parties without stress:-)
That being said...George and I just returned from a fabulous trip to Old Quebec City...it was first class all of the way. This was my 30th Birthday gift and we pulled out all of the stops. The hotel was amazing...with open fire places, steam bathroom and a first class restaurant. Honestly (besides the Ritz in New Orleans) this was the nicest hotel I have been to. The old city is like you have pulled a small village out of France and placed it in Quebec...little bistros and shops line the streets...we really relaxed and just enjoyed ourselves.
On Sunday of our trip we took our much anticipated trip to St. Anne's...what an amazing cathedral...it seems to be fashioned much like Notre Dame in Paris...absolutely beautiful. The amazing thing is that this shrine is a pilgrimage site and therefore many people are there at all times...however, for about 45 minutes George and I were the only one's in the cathedral. It was so peaceful and beautiful...I feel like I had a one-one with St. Anne. There I asked for the obvious (a beautiful child of our own) and the strength to go down this road again...and most importantly for the strength to make it through if having a child on my own is not in God's plan for George and I. I did walk away with a peace and knowing that I could make it through, to continue to lean on George and with the knowledge that I will someday bring my family back to visit...how that family comes to us is still in God's hands.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Adoption Agencies
As I start to weigh my options in case this time does not work...I am really researching adoption agencies. Looking at the success rate of IVF for Pre-genetic determination...it is not that good, it is pretty bad actually. I still have a better chance after 6 miscarriages...horrible. Therefore, I am not sure anymore I will go down that road...we will see if/when the time comes.
I have a favor of anyone who reads this blog and knows of someone who has adopted or knows of a good agency to please refer them to me...you all know my e-mail...
On another note I am reading a fantastic book called...The Infertility Cure...it is all about Acupuncture and how it treats infertility, fantastic. It gets down into the nitty gritty of symptoms and what is really going on in your body...I have a two page list for my Dr. this week!
I have a favor of anyone who reads this blog and knows of someone who has adopted or knows of a good agency to please refer them to me...you all know my e-mail...
On another note I am reading a fantastic book called...The Infertility Cure...it is all about Acupuncture and how it treats infertility, fantastic. It gets down into the nitty gritty of symptoms and what is really going on in your body...I have a two page list for my Dr. this week!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Meeting with the Dr.
So I had my meeting with the Dr. since my D&C...it proved promising but also very disheartening. Basically he said the same thing that was said the day of my procedure...that we still have a 70% chance of conceiving and carrying on our own without intervention, even with three miscarriages. So that is promising I guess...however I still feel like I am going into this next time blind. He said we could do a biopsy/hysteroscopy again to check for scarring but since that was done in May he really doesn't see why we should put me through that...thank God, I told him I would not want another one anyway...that had to be one of the worst experiences in my life and I can tolerate pain.
Anyway, he said other than that George and I have been tested for everything under the sun that can pertain to miscarriage and it all came back normal so he really feels that it was a chromosomal abnormality...the leading cause of miscarriage, however they were not able to obtain the proper tissue during my D&C to check, again shooting blind. So we are going into this one again on a hope and a prayer hoping it sticks. He did tell me that women miscarry in clusters...in that they will miscarry at the same point in their pregnancy every time, therefore mine is the 6-7 week point...if we can get me past there my chances of success are very high. I have done plenty of research on miscarriage and unfortunately it is still an unknown and other than structural or hormonal problems there really is no explanation...it sucks.
God forbid we loose another...Dr. Hill said the next step is IVF but get this (this is the part that pisses me off and had me in tears in the car) it is not covered by insurance...because miscarriage is not infertility according to the Insurance Companies, I can get pregnant and therefore IVF is not a necessity. So if we do go this route we are looking at $12,000-$15,000 out of our pocket. He said some couples wait until 5 miscarriages before going this route because it is so expensive. I asked how IVF could help us...and basically they take my eggs and test the chromosomes they test 9 all together (there are 23 that have to be in line)and it is these 9 chromosomes that are responsible for about 85% of the pregnancy taking. However, he did add that there is only a 60%-70% chance that this would work...so my chances right now are better on my own, that is such a comforting thought. Finally, if they did this procedure and we find that they can't get my chromosomes to match up...my only option would be an egg donor...which I said I would not do...I will adopt instead.
I am very upset today...just that we are at this point and the thought of possibly going through this again is so scary and that the next steps after this suck so bad and will put us in the poor house. The Dr. said we could start trying right away but like my Acupuncturist suggested we are going to wait a couple of months.
On another note acupuncture is going very well, I am starting sleep again anyway...hopefully it is working in other ways that aren't apparent to me.
Finally, George and I are heading to Quebec the day after Thanksgiving...one for a birthday break for me (we are staying at a beautiful hotel) and two to visit St. Anne's cathedral...it has been know that many miracles happen there...and I feel like I was called there recently at my brother's memorial mass...so we are going.
At this point who knows...I just have to keep my heart open to everything.
Anyway, he said other than that George and I have been tested for everything under the sun that can pertain to miscarriage and it all came back normal so he really feels that it was a chromosomal abnormality...the leading cause of miscarriage, however they were not able to obtain the proper tissue during my D&C to check, again shooting blind. So we are going into this one again on a hope and a prayer hoping it sticks. He did tell me that women miscarry in clusters...in that they will miscarry at the same point in their pregnancy every time, therefore mine is the 6-7 week point...if we can get me past there my chances of success are very high. I have done plenty of research on miscarriage and unfortunately it is still an unknown and other than structural or hormonal problems there really is no explanation...it sucks.
God forbid we loose another...Dr. Hill said the next step is IVF but get this (this is the part that pisses me off and had me in tears in the car) it is not covered by insurance...because miscarriage is not infertility according to the Insurance Companies, I can get pregnant and therefore IVF is not a necessity. So if we do go this route we are looking at $12,000-$15,000 out of our pocket. He said some couples wait until 5 miscarriages before going this route because it is so expensive. I asked how IVF could help us...and basically they take my eggs and test the chromosomes they test 9 all together (there are 23 that have to be in line)and it is these 9 chromosomes that are responsible for about 85% of the pregnancy taking. However, he did add that there is only a 60%-70% chance that this would work...so my chances right now are better on my own, that is such a comforting thought. Finally, if they did this procedure and we find that they can't get my chromosomes to match up...my only option would be an egg donor...which I said I would not do...I will adopt instead.
I am very upset today...just that we are at this point and the thought of possibly going through this again is so scary and that the next steps after this suck so bad and will put us in the poor house. The Dr. said we could start trying right away but like my Acupuncturist suggested we are going to wait a couple of months.
On another note acupuncture is going very well, I am starting sleep again anyway...hopefully it is working in other ways that aren't apparent to me.
Finally, George and I are heading to Quebec the day after Thanksgiving...one for a birthday break for me (we are staying at a beautiful hotel) and two to visit St. Anne's cathedral...it has been know that many miracles happen there...and I feel like I was called there recently at my brother's memorial mass...so we are going.
At this point who knows...I just have to keep my heart open to everything.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Acupuncture, first time
Well Wednesday night my friend Christina treated me to a wonderful massage...it was just what the Dr. ordered. Let me tell you my family and friends have been wonderful...knowing that George and I have that kind of support makes getting through this time so much easier and really helps us continue on this journey.
So Wednesday had me nice and relaxed and that was continued after my first Acupuncture treatment. I went to Reading family Acupuncture...my Dr. refers many patients there, so I felt very comfortable. After many questions Jose (my acupuncturist who specializes in in-fertility) really feels that my circulation is very poor. It is so funny I can see this...I am cold ALL of the time, I have tingling in my hands and feet and am dizzy constantly but I never put it together. He explained if my blood is not circulating properly then the fetus is not getting the proper nutrients/nutrition to implant and grow...it makes sense. I remember this last early pregnancy I had severe numbing/tingling in my legs, feet and hands...could that be a correlation to my miscarriage...maybe, it is worth exploring.
Therefore, Jose wants to work specifically on components that will help with circulation...such as curbing anxiety, sleeping better, etc...these pieces can be helped immediately (I am so excited about that).
Also, he wants me to give him three months of acupuncture and herbs before we try again. He explained that eggs are present in the body for 6 months and optimally we should take three months to prepare and make them strong for pregnancy. Also, it will make the uterus well prepared for nutrients to carry the pregnancy.
We will see if I take the full three months before trying...I know I have to wait two anyway...we always have to wait one full cycle after a miscarriage anyway and then I know Dr. Hill will want a month to do more testing before we try again. Therefore, it would only be one additional month added to our original time table...I think I can handle that...we will see, I might get the bug much sooner than that. However, if this could prevent me going through what I have the previous three times and then going down the IVF route, then I think one more month is worth it!! It is weird, my sister who went to a psychic believes this woman was talking about me not her...and if this woman was correct then I would have a baby in August...which would bring me to three months from now, November! Who knows...
I was a little nervous before getting all of the needles put in but it is nothing at all, you barely feel it and I was so relaxed. I felt so good after this session and slept unbelievable that night. Also, my vein my left arm was swollen and so sore to the touch from the IV used during my D&C before this session and I left with the swelling gone and about 95% pain free, pretty amazing, huh!
Anyway, it was a good start and helped me feel like I was controlling something myself, that I was taking a step to make me healthy. Whether or not this will be the answer, who knows!
So Wednesday had me nice and relaxed and that was continued after my first Acupuncture treatment. I went to Reading family Acupuncture...my Dr. refers many patients there, so I felt very comfortable. After many questions Jose (my acupuncturist who specializes in in-fertility) really feels that my circulation is very poor. It is so funny I can see this...I am cold ALL of the time, I have tingling in my hands and feet and am dizzy constantly but I never put it together. He explained if my blood is not circulating properly then the fetus is not getting the proper nutrients/nutrition to implant and grow...it makes sense. I remember this last early pregnancy I had severe numbing/tingling in my legs, feet and hands...could that be a correlation to my miscarriage...maybe, it is worth exploring.
Therefore, Jose wants to work specifically on components that will help with circulation...such as curbing anxiety, sleeping better, etc...these pieces can be helped immediately (I am so excited about that).
Also, he wants me to give him three months of acupuncture and herbs before we try again. He explained that eggs are present in the body for 6 months and optimally we should take three months to prepare and make them strong for pregnancy. Also, it will make the uterus well prepared for nutrients to carry the pregnancy.
We will see if I take the full three months before trying...I know I have to wait two anyway...we always have to wait one full cycle after a miscarriage anyway and then I know Dr. Hill will want a month to do more testing before we try again. Therefore, it would only be one additional month added to our original time table...I think I can handle that...we will see, I might get the bug much sooner than that. However, if this could prevent me going through what I have the previous three times and then going down the IVF route, then I think one more month is worth it!! It is weird, my sister who went to a psychic believes this woman was talking about me not her...and if this woman was correct then I would have a baby in August...which would bring me to three months from now, November! Who knows...
I was a little nervous before getting all of the needles put in but it is nothing at all, you barely feel it and I was so relaxed. I felt so good after this session and slept unbelievable that night. Also, my vein my left arm was swollen and so sore to the touch from the IV used during my D&C before this session and I left with the swelling gone and about 95% pain free, pretty amazing, huh!
Anyway, it was a good start and helped me feel like I was controlling something myself, that I was taking a step to make me healthy. Whether or not this will be the answer, who knows!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
One Week Ago
Hello...I can't believe I am here writing a blog...I swore I would never do this but I am finding it is needed to help me get through this time. A little about me...my name is Jenn, I am 29...have been married to my wonderful husband George for 5 years and have an adorable Pug Hercules. If you know me...then you know these two guys are the loves of my life. However, about a year ago (October exactly) George and I decided to add another love to our life and therefore begin the journey to have a baby...one of the greatest gifts God can give us.
In November we went on a trip to NYC and I swore that I was pregnant!!! but the tests were coming up negative even a blood test was negative. However, after a week of severe cramping and just had the notion that something was off I took a pregnancy test and there it was positive!! I was SO excited...George was skeptical (it was a hard couple of weeks before this). I could not contain my excitement and told everyone, congratulations were pouring in. I went for bloodwork to confirm the pregnancy and my HCG levels came back at 70 (at almost 7 weeks) but being new to this journey I had no clue this was extremely low...so I was ecstatic I was having a baby.
My excitement was soon halted the next day when I started spotting...a sense of dread crept in. However, I stayed positive and I will never forget it was a Thursday evening and I stopped at Target and picked up baby books but my sense of dread soon became a reality. At 5 am on Friday I woke up bleeding...I knew I was having a miscarriage. It is funny when tragedy happens how calm your body can become...I remember going back to bed and just waiting for it to happen. When it was a decent hour I called my Mom and sister to let them know. That day was one of the worst of my life...George and I went to the Dr.'s (full of pregnant ladies) to confirm the miscarriage and then after we left the pain began. It was a pain I could never ever have imagined...it took my breath away. That lasted all day long and then after that I had to go back into the pregnant filled Dr.'s office for a shot because I am O negative.
After that day was over I didn't want time to recover...I wanted to focus on the future and getting pregnant again! We were very lucky by the middle of February I came home from a work trip positive I was pregnant and when I took the test I was so excited to see two pink lines. This time my Dr. wanted to monitor my HCG levels because of my previous miscarriage...now I was fully aware of what those levels meant. My first test came back at 30 and they said it was ok...it was early. The second test stayed at 30, not good...now we are talking about ectopic pregnancies. It was then the roller coaster ride officially began...it was 2 and 1/2 weeks of blood work every other day some days good and others they were convinced it was ectopic. Finally, my numbers went down and at 6 weeks we decided on a D&C...which was MUCH better then miscarrying on my own...a lot less painful and easier to get over.
Again, I was ready to try right away...however I decided to go to a fertility specialist who focused on miscarriages. We did the array of testing (btw if you ever need a uterine biopsy make them put you out...it hurts like hell) and found nothing to indicate that my body could not carry a baby. Therefore, Dr. Hill put me on progesterone (just in case) and I was on my way. After the second month of trying after all of my testing (the first month I had a chemical miscarriage) I was pregnant and the pink lines were DARK. I thought this was it we are going to make it this time. My first HCG level came back at 117...myself and George had a great feeling.
Things brings us to the present...after almost two weeks of non doubling numbers and two ultrasounds with an empty sac we scheduled the D&C...it will be a week tomorrow that I had it. Again, the D&C went very well with little bleeding and my numbers climbed right back down. However, the difference this time...it is much harder to heal emotionally, now I am scared...will my body ever let me carry a baby, I do not know.
According to Dr. Hill he still firmly believes I have a 70% chance of carrying a baby on my own. While I was under George spoke to him and it sounds like we are going to give it another shot on my own and God forbid this does not work...we will explore IVF. I meet with the Dr. again on 9/13 and I will know more then...if we will do more testing, etc...
However, I am taking another step on my own tomorrow...and I am starting Acupuncture. Thank you to my friend Katie for turning me on to this. After a lot of research I found so many women that this helped...many who had repeated miscarriages. So here we go...if anything it will make me feel better physically...I can't wait to get back to the gym.
I know this is a long first post...they will probably not be this long after. I count myself very lucky, I have an amazing husband, loving family, my dude Hercules and friends I can count on for anything...George and I will get through this I know it. We have discussed adoption and know we will travel that road if this one leads us to a dead end. It is in God's hands and I know I have no control but in the end we will give a baby a wonderful home fully of love, laughter faith and craziness:-)
In November we went on a trip to NYC and I swore that I was pregnant!!! but the tests were coming up negative even a blood test was negative. However, after a week of severe cramping and just had the notion that something was off I took a pregnancy test and there it was positive!! I was SO excited...George was skeptical (it was a hard couple of weeks before this). I could not contain my excitement and told everyone, congratulations were pouring in. I went for bloodwork to confirm the pregnancy and my HCG levels came back at 70 (at almost 7 weeks) but being new to this journey I had no clue this was extremely low...so I was ecstatic I was having a baby.
My excitement was soon halted the next day when I started spotting...a sense of dread crept in. However, I stayed positive and I will never forget it was a Thursday evening and I stopped at Target and picked up baby books but my sense of dread soon became a reality. At 5 am on Friday I woke up bleeding...I knew I was having a miscarriage. It is funny when tragedy happens how calm your body can become...I remember going back to bed and just waiting for it to happen. When it was a decent hour I called my Mom and sister to let them know. That day was one of the worst of my life...George and I went to the Dr.'s (full of pregnant ladies) to confirm the miscarriage and then after we left the pain began. It was a pain I could never ever have imagined...it took my breath away. That lasted all day long and then after that I had to go back into the pregnant filled Dr.'s office for a shot because I am O negative.
After that day was over I didn't want time to recover...I wanted to focus on the future and getting pregnant again! We were very lucky by the middle of February I came home from a work trip positive I was pregnant and when I took the test I was so excited to see two pink lines. This time my Dr. wanted to monitor my HCG levels because of my previous miscarriage...now I was fully aware of what those levels meant. My first test came back at 30 and they said it was ok...it was early. The second test stayed at 30, not good...now we are talking about ectopic pregnancies. It was then the roller coaster ride officially began...it was 2 and 1/2 weeks of blood work every other day some days good and others they were convinced it was ectopic. Finally, my numbers went down and at 6 weeks we decided on a D&C...which was MUCH better then miscarrying on my own...a lot less painful and easier to get over.
Again, I was ready to try right away...however I decided to go to a fertility specialist who focused on miscarriages. We did the array of testing (btw if you ever need a uterine biopsy make them put you out...it hurts like hell) and found nothing to indicate that my body could not carry a baby. Therefore, Dr. Hill put me on progesterone (just in case) and I was on my way. After the second month of trying after all of my testing (the first month I had a chemical miscarriage) I was pregnant and the pink lines were DARK. I thought this was it we are going to make it this time. My first HCG level came back at 117...myself and George had a great feeling.
Things brings us to the present...after almost two weeks of non doubling numbers and two ultrasounds with an empty sac we scheduled the D&C...it will be a week tomorrow that I had it. Again, the D&C went very well with little bleeding and my numbers climbed right back down. However, the difference this time...it is much harder to heal emotionally, now I am scared...will my body ever let me carry a baby, I do not know.
According to Dr. Hill he still firmly believes I have a 70% chance of carrying a baby on my own. While I was under George spoke to him and it sounds like we are going to give it another shot on my own and God forbid this does not work...we will explore IVF. I meet with the Dr. again on 9/13 and I will know more then...if we will do more testing, etc...
However, I am taking another step on my own tomorrow...and I am starting Acupuncture. Thank you to my friend Katie for turning me on to this. After a lot of research I found so many women that this helped...many who had repeated miscarriages. So here we go...if anything it will make me feel better physically...I can't wait to get back to the gym.
I know this is a long first post...they will probably not be this long after. I count myself very lucky, I have an amazing husband, loving family, my dude Hercules and friends I can count on for anything...George and I will get through this I know it. We have discussed adoption and know we will travel that road if this one leads us to a dead end. It is in God's hands and I know I have no control but in the end we will give a baby a wonderful home fully of love, laughter faith and craziness:-)
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