It has been a while

I am not sure if anyone reads this blog anymore as it has been so long since my last post...I can't say it was because I needed time off but more that I have been so busy. To keep everyone up to date I did get that position as a Marketing Manager within Cengage Learning. I am now the MM for the English Composition list...if anyone is well versed in Eng Comp it is like a completely different language. I started on May 5th and have been going ever since...I actually leave Monday for our National Sales Meeting in San Francisco, where I will present to Sales Reps 26 times...

Second, George and I are DONE with the adoption process...we eventually chose Korea as our country, went through the very long process and are now on the list awaiting a referral. Unfortunately due to many factors in the international adoption community (the increased wait times in China, the mess in Guatemala, Ukraine shutting its doors) our wait time is more than we initially had hoped for. Instead of waiting 8-10 months for a referral we are looking at 12-16 months. After everything we have been through another few months is not a big deal...I guess!

I thought going through the process would be the tough part, it took 6 months overall, but it isn't...it is this waiting. When going through the process there is always a next step, something else to finish and look toward...now we are just waiting. When you are pregnant there are certain milestones to look forward to that let you know this baby is coming, hearing the heartbeat, finding out the sex, the first kick, etc, etc...with adoption there are no such milestones I am learning. When you are finally done with your steps it is just a black hole of waiting...you grasp at anything to make it feel real. I get questions all of the time...how is it going, have you heard anything and unfortunately until the day we get our referral there is not much to report...in a sense it doesn't seem real, it feels like a fantasy that could slip away at any moment. Maybe that just stems from my fears or my reality of having motherhood taken away so many times. At any rate I find keeping extremely busy and enjoying things in life that I will not be able to do (so frequently) when I am a mother help. Also, I have learned through the 2 years of trying to have a child patience is a virtue and so much is out of my control.

That got me thinking, really what has this experience taught me, what has it given me. After all every hardship, happiness, something we have to work very hard for shapes us and teaches us something...if it didn't then the whole experience is for not. Therefore, (after my Saturday morning ritual of reading Glamour magazine) I decided to come up with a top 10 list of what I have learned the past 2 years...here I go.

1. You can not control your body - Yes you can control your weight (to a certain degree, chocolate and wine do not help the situation) and your overall well being...but you can not control so much else. You have to take every situation as it comes and deal with, you can not think why does my body not do what 99% of women can do, why does my butt not fit in 7 jeans, why does my chest sag, etc, etc. You have to accept your body for what it is, what it does and what it is capable of and readjust from there...than GOD for spanx.

2. Life's obstacles do make you stronger - I have always thought of myself as a strong person, hey I have been through a lot. BUT I have realized I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know how to take tragedy or a hard situation and turn it around, learn from it and make the best of it. I think we as women do that so well, we are so strong...and the sad part most of us do not realize how strong we are. I look at my Mother...she is the strongest and bravest women I will ever know...so maybe I have learned from her or maybe as a woman this is something that is in me because it has to be in order to fulfill the toughest role of all, motherhood.

3. Hard situations can make a relationship stronger - yes they can tear it apart and cause individuals to drift but in mine and George's case we bonded and came together in a way that I never imagined possible. Yes we have had our hard times I will not deny that but I think that comes at anytime you have to work through painful situations. What I have learned is to not take my relationship for granted...that happens especially when you meet and marry someone so young. However, we have stood together as a unified front, cried, fought and dreamed about the family we will have. We know that we will never take this child or each other for granted...in essence we will never take our family for granted...it is something we have fought to darn hard to get.

4. Keeping the mind busy is essential - When you are going through a tough time is is key to keep your mind busy...you can not let it rest and think random thoughts for too long or your mind will get the better of your. I have come to learn a busy mind is a happy mind...keep busy at something, it doesn't matter what it is. When I learned I was having my 4th miscarriage...I didn't think I could handle it, I thought my heart and mind would explode. I was sitting on the couch and thinking, thinking, wallowing and dreaming about myself as never being a mother...I let my mind go over it 1000 times until I couldn't take myself anymore. That is when I saw a brochure for a cake decorating class happening that afternoon...I called the number asked if they had any spots, took a shower and went...that was my first step to moving on and knew that was how I was going to move on...I had to keep my mind busy, I had to live.

5. My Mom is my anchor - I do not know what I would have done without my Mom...she is the first one who said it doesn't matter if this baby comes from you or across the ocean, you will be a mother and this baby will be loved. This is before I truly considered adoption...but always knew in my heart it would be the way. My Mother seems to know my heart before I do...I guess call it a mother's instinct...

5. Thank God for friends - If I didn't have the ears, love and support of my friends life would be impossible to get through. When something is going on (good or bad) the second one's I call (after my Mother of course) are my friends and somehow they always know what to say...friends they say are the family you choose and that is so true. How would have I gotten through this year without them...Lord only knows. It has been so overwhelming from chocolate covered strawberries being at my door after coming home from a D&C, or a friend knowing I was so down she made an appointment to take me for a massage, or just listening to me for hours even though you are exhausted from travel. I thank God everyday for them...

6. There is nothing like Pet Love - Whether it be your dog, cat, bird, whatever there is nothing like the love of a pet. Hercules has been a savior (since the day I got him actually). He has cried with me, sat with me, made me laugh and been there when I do not want to talk to another human being. He somehow makes everyday so much better...and there is nothing like it. As he sits next to me right now (getting fur all over the furniture) he makes me smile and for that I am always grateful.

7. Take advise and comments with a grain of salt - Lord have I heard it all..from "at least you can get pregnant", "maybe you are not meant to be a mother" to "what are you adopting from another country for, the child will not look like you"...I used to get PISSED (most of you know my temper) but then I was like why do that to myself. In life I think we all hear comments that anger us but I have learned as long as I am happy within my own heart and believe in what I am doing...nothing else matters and what people say really doesn't amount to a hill of beans. People always have something to say don't they...

8. Retail therapy is a viable form of therapy - I have learned that treating myself and making me a number one priority through this whole ordeal is key. Honestly, when I am really down just going to the mall and buying a new lipstick makes me feel like a new person, it centers me and I think I know why...I am focusing on me and forgetting everything else, forgetting what people think, what I "should" be doing, just focusing on me and for the next year I am going to continue to do that...why not take advantage.

9. Let yourself be sad - It is funny it has been 6 months since my last miscarriage and people think "poof" I am totally over it, nothing should affect me now, it really didn't happen. Truth is, I am not over it, I probably never will be. This has changed me as a person and I have learned to let myself cry and feel sad when I want to (but not for too long) that I am allowed.

10. God has a plan for us all - I truly believe this... I know you have all read that George and I went to St Anne's cathedral in Quebec to pray to her for a family. That day I prayed to lead me to the path of motherhood to give me the grace to get through the pain and make me the mother I am suppose to be. Although that day I prayed for a baby of my "own" that wasn't what God had in my plans and I know that now...I know that I will be a mother but just not in the way I thought I would. That is the trick of life, we want things our way and sometimes that is not the plan and we have to keep our hearts and minds open and not shut God out.